It is indeed getting dark.
Things are horribly desperate here.
There's no money to be had. Dad tries and tries but he can't find another job. The odd jobs he picks up are barely enough to cover the bills and groceries. There's no food in the cabinets, and no heat. My parents are writing hot checks for groceries. I skip breakfast and have some toast for lunch, and then a small dinner. I don't eat much as it is. I cook a pan of rice for the cats and dog, because it's more than I can bear to see them looking at me, hungry. The house is still in shambles from the flood. The contractor that was my dad's boss up and left things as they were -- no proper ceiling or flooring in the kitchen, the walls made up of odd scraps and materials. The windows are broken. The wiring is still faulty, too. You can see the bare insulation in the walls -- what's left -- from daddy's boss ripping the walls apart to put new panels in. Then he left, so our house is much worse than it was. It was awful before the flood, and now it's . . worse than you can imagine, I'm sure.

I'm trying to find a job but again, there are no jobs. I've applied to thirteen places in the last three weeks without so much as a phone call. In my little town, thirteen places is pretty much the entire business district. I've applied at McDonald's, a daycare or two, a hotel, various stores and restaurants, everywhere. There are no jobs in surrounding towns, either. I've applied everywhere I can think of. I even briefly considered prostitution but that isn't an option.

I want to go stay at my grandma's but I don't want to abandon my parents. I keep things together here. Someone has to clean, after all, and take care of the animals. I should really find homes for them, since I can't promise them food for a certainty. I always find something for them but I feel like a terrible pet owner. I love them so much and it would be the best thing for them to have new homes, but . . Just thinking about it makes me cry almost.

I am bitterly tired of being poor.

I'm having one of those days. I'm kind of tired. I'm not having a bad day, necessarily, but just a slow day. I'm going swimming in the creek after school, and then to a party, and tomorrow I'll probably go see a movie with Michael and then go to another party. I don't want to party hard or anything, but I don't mind sitting around a bonfire. It sounds pretty relaxing.

I got a tattoo on Wednesday. My dad told me was going to take me to get one on Friday, but I called him from school and asked him to pick me up and take me to Mother's Grievance. Well, he did. So at one in the afternoon dad and I take off to get tattoos. We're driving along and dad turns to me and says, "It's going to hurt." I said, "I know." He said, "What do you drink?"
We ended up getting trashed. I got one tattoo, he got two. The artist knew we were wasted. He was laughing at us because we were trying to act all cool and collected, and we were falling down. We weren't causing problems so he went ahead and tattooed us. There was no one else in the shop. Dad went to get more booze as I was preparing to get my tattoo. The artist and I (I can't remember his name) totally bonded. I was laying there drunk singing along with Knockin' On Heaven's Door (GNR version) and he was laughing at me and singing, too. I love tattoos. I've already got my next two planned out, and I might get another this weekend.
Then we went to the nearest big city -- 60 miles -- and drove around. He was drunker than I was so I was driving. We were really, really messed up. I think on the way back (we left around 11 pm) I left a trail of vomit 60 miles long. I've never puked drunk but I think I've never been that drunk before. It was the dumbest thing in the world, driving like that, and I've promised myself never to do that again.

HEY.
COLLEGE IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

I'm sitting here, in Journalism class, trying to be responsible and taking a look at UCF's Nursing prerequisites. I'm a pretty intelligent person, able to anaylize information and come out knowing something and making a decision, but the phrase that comes to mind at the moment is, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!"
I'd already figured out that I'll have to take a year of general college to get my core classes, and then declare my major (which is going to be nursing, by the way, as the job outlook for English teachers is ASS right now -- my current English teacher is getting laid off and he's an amazing teacher, recognized by the state). I'll be getting my Associate's in nursing to start off with and eventually get my RN.
Well, the admissions forms are extremely confusing and I don't even know what they're saying. Yeah. ;___; Me, the master of formal documents, English, wording, reading in general . . This sucks.
I need to take Biology and Human Anatomy as a senior, and maybe it'll give me some background so I won't be so lost in the science courses during general college.
As of now, I need to start filling out FAFSA stuff and scholarship stuff.

Josh and I would be married at that time, maybe, and we would have our own place off-campus as Josh is going to Full Sail. Rent in Orlando is going to suck. Anyway, I'd like to live a reasonable distance from UCF and I want to look into the cost of driving vs. the cost of public transportation. If public transportation is cheaper, I'll just buy a bus pass and call it a day. I hate driving in big cities anyway. If driving would be less expensive, I'll start saving for a car already (though mom and dad are probably going to give me their economical little car when they get a new vehicle this year).

FUCKITALL.

Sooo.
Josh decided not to go to Jville. He wants to be close to home and doesn't see the sense in traveling so far away when there are trade schools close by. His family is having some problems right now. His mom is depressed, his dad is stuck working so they can get by, his sisters are of little or no help around the house simply because they are the little girls and aren't ever told to do anything. His aunt and uncle just got kicked out of their house because his aunt's father held a grudge, and now they're moving into a small brick home that needs a lot of work. The thing is, money is tight. I've been over helping fix that house for the last three weeks.

So naturally, he wants to stay home and help his family. What I didn't mention is that the program in Jville would've trained him, paid him for attending their school, found him a job OR placed him in college with a scholarship, and found him a place to live. Instead, he's going to be footing it on his own now. We won't be in any position to get married after we graduate now, or to have a kid.

Speaking of, I'm PMSing every 11 days now.

Soooo.
Saturday I probably had the best sex of my life. A lot of it, too.
Unprotected.
I was surprised that, after we ran out of condoms, he didn't want to stop. I was off the pill for a month but now that we've decided to wait until he gets back from Jville I went back on it to control the cysts. I've only been taking it for the last four days, so it's pretty ineffective right now. Usually it takes up to seven weeks before you can feel reassured about condomless sex.
Unfortunately, I'm not ovulating at the moment so, unless I've calculated totally wrong, my chances of pregnancy are just about zilch. I don't even have a reason to hope, which is probably a good thing as then I won't be disappointed. Still, I wish for some reason that I had cause to just hope.
Though, if I did get pregnant right now . .
Well, Josh would do one of two things:
1.) Not go to Jville and everything college wise gets all fucked up
2.) Go to Jville and I'd be stuck here, pregnant, alone

Both of them would tear both of us up. He's having doubts about going to Jacksonville already but it's such an amazing opportunity for him that I'm really encouraging him to go. He doesn't want to leave me here but I tell him that I'll still be here waiting, and they'd basically be paying him to attend their school. How can he pass that up, especially if we plan on getting married? He sees the logic of it but it's still hard on both of us, especially not that the months are ticking down and it's almost time for him to go. Having another year will help us prepare, too. I just can't help but wish, though. It's awful, this waiting, and wondering if I'm going to make it that far or if I'll have to have this bitch removed. I can't really eat anymore, and I'm always tired and sick, and it always hurts.
I take that back. It'll stop hurting for a week or a few days, but then the cysts will come back, and it'll start hurting again. It's a cycle. An awful cycle.

If Josh had gone into the army, we would be married right now. The benefits of the army would've taken care of me, but if I get married or drop out of school (hah. not going to happen) then my insurance no longer covers me. Josh and I talked for a while about it and he decided that the army isn't going to work out for him (thank GOD) though I did see a recruiter card in his wallet on Saturday. (No, I wasn't snooping. I was looking for condoms, thanks.)